I saw a quote from Oscar Wilde yesterday: "Only the shallow know themselves" which I thought was a nice one. I definitely can't claim to be an expert on me: in the past I have been called shallow, deep, smart-arsed, stupid, intelligent, a leader, a follower, brave, cowardly...all of this is completely subjective and depends on the relationships and circumstances. I definitely don't really know the real me, so cannot, by his definition, be shallow.
So, can shallowness be measured? Probably not, but that doesn't stop me from having a go and writing the following nonsense. Bear with me, if you have time on your hands.
The treatise of this scientific investigation is this:
"The shallowness index: Just how shallow is a person and can it be measured?"
Is everyone else as "shallow" as me? Are my thoughts on the same level as a goldfish, or did Einstein need such thoughts before he came up with E=MC2? Maybe my shallowness will lead to the realisation that Einstein was wrong and that E is actually equal to MC3, or that E stands for Elephant and not Energy.
The first thing to do is to remove the other parties - they are the ones that label you: the subjective parameters. This means that only I can measure my own shallowness and likewise for anybody else.
Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Forget the dry explanation: it goes something like this: "the very act of measuring something changes its behaviour and therefore affects the measurement".
I cycle to and from work. It's about 7km and takes about 30 minutes. I like to think that I can use this time alone to plan my day and then, in the evening, review what actually happened and modify for the following day. However, I have noticed over recent weeks that this is not actually what happens. The truth is that, during the ride my thoughts are so banal that, written down, they seem ridiculous.
As a trained scientist (no, really?), I decided, over the course of a bicycle ride, to try to list the random thoughts and write them down in order to measure their shallowness index and come up with an aggregate score. However, as I stored them for later retrieval, I realised that Heisenberg had caught me out. By thinking about what I was thinking, my thoughts were altered. Confused? Let's see if you can work out at which point Heisenberg kicks in.
- That truck looks like it's from Finland. I wonder what it is doing here?
- There's a BMW with tinted windows: probably a drug dealer...
- If I fall off now, it'll be a 10 metre drop, straight onto the motorway and instant death. Will my kids miss me?
- I'd better cycle on the pavement here 'cos it's a bit narrow. Oh no, back on the road, there's a cyclist coming the other way on the same pavement. But wait a minute, she looks quite nice...no, wait, she's as old as me - back onto the road.
- Is this saddle too low? I've got a sore backside
- I wonder what we'll be eating tonight?
- Bloody hell, it's cold enough to freeze the nuts off a brass monkey - I wonder where that expression comes from?
- How am I going to get over my Snickers addiction? Why don't they call them Marathons any more? Tomorrow, I will eat only fruit. Opal Fruits? Oh no, they call them Starbursts now. I wonder why that is?
- The light is red, but I can cross because there is no-one and I don't see a policeman.
- I wonder if that hedgehog is still in the garden?
- What can I think of next?
- Come on, there must be one amusing thought...
- Could I kill a tiger, armed only with a biro? No, I can't use that - it's straight out of The Office.
- Doh. And that one comes from The Simpsons.
So what have we learned from this exercise? What is my shallowness index? It is impossible to measure is the conclusion: objectivity doesn't come into it.
I'll have to think about the deep implications of this investigation when I'm cycling to work tomorrow and when the wine that led me to write this nonsense wears off.
8 comments:
A fantastic experiment, and very well written.
I don't really think you need to look quite so far to carry out a similar experiment though.... If like me, you like to try to create a blog entry every day, then sometimes you realise that you have done nothing or thought nothing worthy of being written about..... What do you do then??
a) You either focus on the trivial and expand into a piece for a blog.
b) Hunter S Thompson would be proud to be called a gonzo blogger, and you do likewise by setting out to cover something blogworthy.
Here are my two examples of the above:
http://arctic--fox.blogspot.com/2007/03/toast.html
http://arctic--fox.blogspot.com/2007/09/i-skimmed-flat-stones.html
I guess if you add most of your blog entries and count them into the above categories, you'll have the answer over a period of time where the effects of the study couldn't possibly have had any lasting effect.
Thanks for the smile though, your thought process was pretty much like mine when I go cycling.... usually I have to force myself to remember to breathe because of all the flotsam that finds its way through my head....
FoX
I always think that about BMWs with the windows blacked out...
That's an interesting concept - noting down the random thoughts you have. I don't think I'll do that though since it would reveal my utter fascination with women and tiffins (not necessarily in that order) and that would get me into trouble! ;-)
Wow. I just looked up "Gonzo Journalism" on wikipedia and I am proud to be placed in that category as it is what I try to do without knowing it!
However, I also tend to fall into the expansion on the trivial category from time-to-time. Nothing wrong with that as you often end up nowhere near where you started with the seed of an interesting idea (but not always).
I really liked this entry but thought it might be a bit too "out there" for anybody to get it. I am really pleased that you did!
Welcome to gonzo dog doo daa blogging... come aboard and mind your step!!
FoX
My trivia turns into obsession. Sitting on the train twizzelling forks for the consumption of spaghetti came to mind this morning. Now I have the need to source them. Not only that but I only want lime green ones - how shallow is that?
I think one of my sub-personalities has a fork fetish. The other six just like shopping.
Of course I don't even know if they make twizzelling forks for spaghetti but if they do and if they are not battery operated then I don't want one.
Pixie, I can't tell you how shallow fork-twiddling is because I never specified my "shallowness index". I must get round to it. However, if you eat a lot of spaghetti, it is not a completely pointless exercise, and strictly speaking it is a motor function and not a shallow thought.
In any case, I realised that my experiment is false because you need an independent mind-reader to remain objective when measuring. I don't think I'll get round to that one either.
Is this all getting a bit bizarre?
Its only a motor function if you actually want the twizzelling fork to eat with. I had the idea of impressing my friends with something that is lime green and twizzelled. Now thats shallow - I must rate some points for that surely??
I also think you should put compiling a shallowness index on your to do list alongside the search for a mind reader - who will probably be a woman by the way x
Practising your twizzling purely to impress friends would definitely rate highly on the index.
As far as finding a mind reader is concerned, reading a man's mind would be fairly easy for either a man or woman, but I don't know whether it would work for a woman to read another woman's mind.
I am not qualified to judge that one.
Good luck with the twizzling. I just hope your friends don't find it shallow (but remember that it is subjective - in the absence of the shallowness index, it is for you to judge).
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